it’s not an effing restaurant

A collaborative effort by the whole family, in response to the dVerse prompt “at the restaurant“, starting with the title which is something I say at least once a week…


“It’s dinner time my darlings!
it’s time to come and eat,
turn off your screens, my dears,
take a plate and have a seat!

“I’ve made this food with love
Why won’t you eat your fill?”

“’Made with loves’ all well and good,
but we’d rather ‘made with skill!’

Why won’t you make what we want,
why won’t you let us choose?
It’s always half-raw vegies
or brown, mysterious ooze

“You’re always free to help me
and then you’d get some say!
Some help around the kitchen
would really make my day!

But until that happens,
I’m here to tell you, bub,
there’s two things on the menu
and they’re both avec shut-up”

You must be really stupid,
you must be such a dolt,
you always cook the stuff we hate
but expect a new result!

And then when we won’t eat it
you’re always full of sadness.
You do the same, expect a change –
now that’s a sign of madness!”

“It’s not an effing restaurant,
it’s not even a café,
if you don’t want what I’ve cooked
you can bloody go away!

You’ve always got a choice,
you’ve always got an option
you can eat what’s on your plate…
or you can go up for adoption!”




Filed under poem

41 responses to “it’s not an effing restaurant

  1. I hate lol, but I do so love to laugh out loud.

  2. This is hilarious with a darkly comical ending. I loved the argumentative tone of the whole poem. A unique take on the prompt.

  3. Kate, I am sure this scene plays out in many homes. Lol made me laugh.

  4. Haha, i enjoyed this. 🙂

  5. Lol. Brilliant! And more relatable than my own reflection

    • Thanks Worms 🙂
      I really like yours – I just typed “it’s more sincere than mine”, but then deleted it because I do say “it’s not an effing restaurant” most evenings, and on of my kids really did say he’d rather food made with skill. 😀
      But I love the vividness of yours. You’re such a master of imagery.

      • Thanks, Kate. By ‘my reflection’ I meant thr person I see in the mirror. Lol. I really relate to your oiem because our kids are getting to the age where I want them to learn a bit of gratitude. And I am getting to the age where I look back in disbelief and remember how my mum served up meal after meal that I didn’t have to think about or spend time on. You don’t know how good you’ve got it when you’re a kid and your parent cooks for you.

        • Wow, thanks Worms. ❤
          I don't think we appreciated all the work my mum put into cooking when we were kids either. I'm now making mine contribute, even if it's just cooking one vegetable, most evenings. Hopefully when they move oiut of home they'll appreciate it. 😀

  6. Oh dear! I don’t think I want to be at your house at dinner time! But funny!🤣

  7. Oh brilliant! ‘brown mysterious ooze’ – you could be describing my cooking!😂

  8. Love it! Hahaha, after reading so many about beautiful dining out and the benefits of the menu I needed this! Mine isn’t too lovey-dovey either! 🤣

  9. Yeah; thanks Mom. Ick.

  10. Very Funny …way to lay down the law!

  11. This was a nostalgic and so funny. Love it. Having two voices in the poem was a really good idea.

  12. Haha!How many times and how many ways have I communicated the same sentiment. My two options were always eat it or starve. Nice it was a family collaborative too,

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